Morning Reflection - Financial Insecurity

This isn't one of my usual posts. Rather I wanted to share, get off my chest, some things I've been going through.

2017 has been a difficult year for me. It started with my biggest client demanding I cut back my hours and drastically reduce my billing hours. My second biggest client had to be honest with me and admit he wasn't in a position to continue using my services at all. So just like that, my financial prospects took a nose dive in the first few months.

On top of that, two month's ago my step father became seriously ill. He ended up requiring a colostomy, a serious surgery, which has completely changed their outlook for quality of life over the next few years. Because I still live in their home, I depended a great deal on them for financial security. It sucks knowing that rather than being an asset to them, I am a liability.

In sobriety, I've never known much financial freedom. Although I studied architecture & engineering in college, I failed to grasp the way the professional colleges in my country regulate professional services and having studied abroad I was never able to become licensed or practice my profession openly. It was major handicap.

However, A little over two years ago I had an intuitive thought that led me to become a Project Management Professional and I took courses at the PMI. This helped me secure that first big client I mentioned, which gave me two good years of steady employment and income.

But now, that was over. Rather than take a tailspin into morose self-pity, of which the desire to do can seem irresistible for me at times, I decided to make use the spiritual tools I was given in the AA program. After much prayer and meditation, and conversations with my sponsor, and friends, and family.... the idea came to me one day to expand into a new area of work.

Real Estate!! This I believed was a natural extension of my skills and experience and an area in which I could easily slide into and start making an income. Unfortunately, that hasn't really panned out the way I wanted to. 3 Months after setting up shop, I haven't made a single significant commission yet.

The last 30 days I've had an overwhelming dose of fear crowding my thoughts. Uncertainty, anxiety and fear of financial insecurity... these are the struggles I'm faced with today after 6 years of sobriety.

Yesterday, an old high-school friend came into the room of AA for the first time. I was very happy to see her. She admitted to being at bottom, desperate, contemplating suicide, she was sick & tired of being sick & tired. I never like to see newcomers suffer. But it did serve as a strong reminder that my life is surely not that bad anymore. Force fed perspective is one of the great benefits of this program.

Last night I got on my knees and spoke to my higher power. I said to him:

God, I don't presume to tell you what do to, after all I'm yours to do with and to build with and thou will. I also know I haven't always been a mature person and that financial success early on was as likely to kill me and it was to help me. But I feel ready now God. It's time I stopped leaning on those around me. It's time I was able to do more for my mother & step-dad, for my girlfriend who wants and deserves a family, for my father who worries about me, for my brother & his family, for my sister who is always concerned about me. It's time God, I'm ready.

A curious thing occurred this morning.  I awoke with a singular thought process in my mind. A quite voice spoke to me and said:

 You are on a difficult path, it's true the journey is unpleasant. But have faith in God. In this noisy confusion of life he has led you to one safe haven after another and he is not about to drive you off the cliff now. Trust in him, and he will lead you. Have faith that there is more to be revealed to you. Everything is going to be okay. All is right with the world.  

I don't really know what that means except I have a little more hope today and a little less fear. I love this program and this way of life. Though there are still challenges in AA, I wouldn't go back for anything in the world!

David t.